Adult Dating

The following are 9 irresistible tips & tricks to ensure a powerful mind set for dating. Use them wisely and you will be bound to have fun and triumph in the dating arena.

1. Burn with Curiosity

Be curious about persons you find interesting, discover out what makes them happy! What are their passions! The best way to get to know someone is to be intrigued about life through their eyes. You may be missing out on something altogether.

2. Avoid Setting Inappropriate Expectations

We are all unique individuals, with our own distinctive life purpose. Expecting and convincing others do things your way does not help them with their life lessons or you with yours!

3. It takes time…

It requires an investment of time and effort to get back into the dating game especially if you have not dated for a while and you are looking for an ideal partner. As we get older and learn from our experiences our must-have requirements for an ideal partner may have changed. Some character traits or behavior patterns that were must haves may now be negotiable. Forget how long you think it ought to take in finding your right partner.

4. Work out a ‘Seize and Let Go’ technique

If you are currently dating someone you enjoy being with yet you know that this person is not THE ONE, do yourself a favor and release the person. By keeping this person in your life keeps YOU and them from being open for the real one. Don’t be afraid to let the other person go if you are not perfect for each other. You never know if your ideal mate is just waiting for you to become available!

5. Be the Playful You!

Embrace an expectation of fun when you go out on dates. Every individual’s best surfaces when having fun. There is no greater way to enjoy yourself and time with others, share it with your date - you being at your best!

6. Listen and Discover

Learn to ask questions and be a good listener BUT do not interview you date. Take initiative to know the real person you are sitting across from. Relax, have fun and enjoy hearing about life from another person’s perspective. Listen for cues, let the conversation flow.

7. Be Captivating

People fall in love because they feel they finally know the real you. Start being YOU right now, in every moment. Don’t wait for tomorrow to let others know you, they may just find you distinctly attractive - right this very moment!

8. Accepting for What They Are

Accept people for what they are. This does not mean however that every individual who comes along is a right match for you nor does it mean that you will completely disregard inappropriate behaviors. You have a choice of whether to see this person again or not.

9. I’m sinking… Help!!

Avoid setting expectations that your date or your partner to rescue you from your life. A healthy and fulfilling relationship means both parties come together as a whole and together you become even more amazing. If you are emotionally deprived you may attract exactly what you don’t want and repel what you do want.

All women are sure that they know how to flirt. But why some women attract crowds of men, and others, quite pretty and charming, are still missing their men? The matter is that flirt also has its own rules, based on non-romantic laws of psychology. Without knowing them, you may be searching for your “dream mate” till old age.

Let’s suppose you saw your dream man on a party or in club. What will each 5th woman do in such situation? She will come to him and start a conversation! What each 10th woman will talk about with him? About culture, art and books she read. And what will each 3rd do? Run away from her quickly! Not because she is ugly or uninteresting. A strange man is just firstly attracted by sexuality, nit intellect.

So, you caught HIS look. Don’t be in a hurry to avert your eyes. Look straightly at him for several seconds more, than it is accepted, then close your eyes slightly, take a breath and look aside. As soon as you see that he averted his eyes with your off-center vision, look at him again… A man treats such trick as a straight hint that a woman wants to become acquainted with him, but is shy to do it herself, so she is stealing a look.

It is better to look over your shoulder, which you should raise slightly upper, than usual. Man associate shoulder (especially if it is naked or covered slightly) with female breast. Advertisers know this trick well, and you often can see a wonderful strange woman on bill boards, looking this way, - this, according to researches, gets men worked up and attracts them.

It is well known, that a naked wrist is also a strong erotic sign. Some psychologists assume, that display of wrist shows trust to a man, a wish to give in to him. If you are also stroking a stem or neck with your hand, looking like you’re lost in thoughts, then this is also a sexual hint understood to any man.

Pose has an important meaning. If you sit hunched, do not even expect a man will come to you. Crooked back, sorry, - is a sign of a senile sickness, even if a young girl is sitting in such pose. So straighten your back, recline, shaking with your hair and checking your skirt (gestures of dolling up). If you wear trousers, put your thumbs behind a belt or an edge of a pocket – this is a gesture of sexual aggression, although what should a man expect from a women wearing trousers? If you are wearing skirt, bind your legs or cross them. This will create an impression of tension of hips muscles and says that a woman is ready for intimate adventures.

If a man is still standing at a bar after you have done all this tricks, - do not waste your time on him, probably, he is too drunk, married or not interested in women at all.

So, after you started conversation, you need to win his favour psychologically.

For this, become … his mirror reflection. How? Very easy – copy his pose and gestures. The essence of this in the fact that your pose should be as closer to a man’s pose, as possible. If in the beginning this is difficult for you, you can copy only a slope of his body, head, position of legs, hands. Imitation of gestures does not mean that you should raise your hand, twist your fingers etc simultaneously with partner. You just should look at gestures, peculiar to a man, and try to “transfer” them on you. If he “chops” a table with his hand, proving some thought, there is sense to do the same thing – this way you will strengthen your mutual understanding.

Another way to win a man’s favour – is to copy a rhythm of his breathing. Shortly speaking, breathe in unison with him. If it is difficult to do, you can imitate rhythm of his breathing, moving your hand or palm. Once you have done this, say a “dominant” idea, which you would like to inform him about. For example: “They say, I’m sexy” – and breathe out sharply. It is a paradox, but truth – your partner will also breathe out automatically, hold his breath for a while and there will be a feeling that his heart sank. This happens when a person agrees with something he just heard. Everyone will like to verify your words in practice.

What to do further? If you want your partner courting you – invite to a café or present a bunch of roses, and he does not hit upon an idea, you can suggest an idea to him. For example, raise your hand on the level of his eyes (you may hold a cigarette or pen in it) and say: “It is so hot here, I just cannot breathe! And in that café it is so cool and comfortable. We will be able to drink some tea!” – or just ask: “Will we go to a café or restaurant?”

This question will create an illusion of choice, but indeed, you will agree to both choices. Or (if you want another date): “Tomorrow in the evening I’m going for a walk. What are you going to do?” It looks like you asked a question, but, in fact, you have already suggested a decision.

A principle of three “yes” works good. A partner should answer positively on your three questions, then he will answer “yea’ on 4th one automatically already. For example: “Don’t you think this evening is terribly dark?” – “Yes”. – “There are no people on streets”. – “Yes”. – “And we are far away from home”. – “Yes”. – “Will you see me home?”

Use all these easy to make ways to ensnare a man and soon you will see that you can choose the one that suits you best of many admirers.

Sometimes it takes a girlfriend in order to have a really good shopping trip. It takes having someone who knows you very well either urging you forward on a contemplated splurge—-or holding you back before you plunge ahead on one she knows you’ll live to regret.

Such was the case last Wednesday, when my oldest childhood friend, Leslie, came to visit us from Philadelphia. Her goal was not to shop, but to see our son (who is battling leukemia)firsthand, and to lend both emotional and physical support as needed. As it just so happened that Nick had a built-in break in his chemo protocol, we had more time on our hands than we had previously anticipated. So we filled the days with long morning coffees, long lunches, and long walks. And-—on the last day-—more fun shopping than I’d had in a long time.

By the time we walked past the resident designer at the Lillian August Warehouse, we were both pretty much in shopping mode. Or at least she was. Part of her “Ridgefield ritual,” she started getting geared up for her Lillian August experience while sipping her skinny chai latte at the Starbuck’s next door. With shopping excursions there in years past yielding some amazing finds, a stop to the warehouse is always at the top of her list. And this year was no exception.

While she was waltzing around the place-—it’s expansive and set up with themed rooms (the Ralph Lauren equestrian look, the farmhouse style, the Shabby Chic thing, and a room filled with yummy Country French treasures)—-I zoomed in on a trio of French apothecary jars. They weren’t arranged all together; I spotted one jar in one room and the other two in another. But they were incredible. I’d had my eye out for some for a few years, ever since seeing a pair at a tony antiques shop a couple towns over. My pockets weren’t deep enough then, and although they’re still fairly shallow, they held a Mother’s Day check which seemed to be burning the proverbial hole. Money was meeting imagination in a big way, and the momentum caused by this combination was on the verge of igniting a commercial explosion.

Leslie was busy lining stuff on the counters while I was carrying delicate apothecary jars from one end of the warehouse to the other. Being a visual person, I needed to see how they looked stacked up next to each other. Envisioning them filled with all sorts of wonderfulness-—fruits or soaps or loofahs or shells or stones—-they were now nestled quite comfortably in my brain, as well as anywhere from my dining room to my master bath to the newly renovated kitchen that is still a few years down the road. I only needed my girlfriend’s ok, and I would be “there.”

She was all over it. Loved the vision. Loved the look. Loved the lines. Loved the price.

Purchasing these things was an event. It required a quick trip to the bank around the corner (they were an unexpected find, and, even selling at warehouse prices, were still more expensive than what I would have hoped). It required George, the sensitive and thoughtful designer who had offered his help the minute we walked in the front door, to be in on the whole “where-are-they-going-and-what-are-you-putting-in-them conversation.” It required the warehouse guy with the muscles to painstakingly bubble-wrap them and carry them to my car, strapping them in with more care than I routinely gave my four toddlers at launch time in the mini-van.

Leslie did her fair share there, too, purchasing a lamp and shade, as well as a handful of fabulous decorative accessories. We giggled to the car, which was by now filled with four huge boxes, strapped into the middle seat belts and edging out the gym equipment which ordinarily occupies my trunk space. It was off to the next stop, and the next and the next, before catching up with the kids at our favorite local diner for supper. Gosh. Shopping certainly works up one’s appetite.

Too exhausted that night to un-bubble my new jars-—as well as to imaginatively fill them, display them, and situate them-—it wasn’t until the next night that I had the physical and creative energy to do just that. I waited until the kids were out of the house and until I had gone through the stack of papers on my kitchen desk. Among bills and school stuff was a disturbing newspaper article and letter from a dear friend. It seems that a mutual friend of ours was going through a tough time, the alleged details of which made headline news in the city which each of us had at one point or another called home.

So by the time I started un-bubbling my jars, I was nearly emotionally distraught. As the first jar carried a layer of dust, I carried it to my kitchen sink and gave it a light rinse. Ditto for the second jar. Dried off, both were now safely standing on my dining room Welsh cupboard, looking absolutely gorgeous as they caught not only the light of my folk art chandelier, but the glow of the sterling silver displayed there as well. But the exuberance I enjoyed while purchasing them couldn’t withstand the deeply-felt angst I experienced while un-wrapping, cleaning and situating them. With the largest jar saved for last, I un-bubbled it and carried it to my sink. But this one proved too large for the light water rinse undergone by the other two. For somehow, gently twirling it under the barely-running water, the tip of the jar touched the sink with just enough weight to send it shattering to smithereens.

This jar-—no, this EXPERIENCE!-—wasn’t out of the heavily-bubbled cardboard box for three minutes before it was hopelessly destroyed in my kitchen sink. This jar-—which forced my brain to develop brand new synapses as I imagined a dozen different decorative scenarios and my checking account to suffer brand new debits as I added up not one nor two but three different price tags—-was now a jagged memory. Hundreds of tiny slivers of glass filled my double sink and my vision of this lovely apothecary jar adding design panache to my family’ nest was completely and totally shattered. In a second.

I could only do what any highly educated, intelligent woman (in menopause) would do. I stood at my kitchen sink and cried—-or perhaps I sobbed—-for ten full minutes. Or maybe it was fifteen. Then Nick walked in the room, asked what had happened, and told me to get a life. First, I grabbed the nearest chocolate bar, which immediately made things a tad better. Then, I picked up the glass-—bit by bit and cutting my fingers along the way—-and collected it in the cardboard box which only a few minutes before held the apothecary jar of my dreams. Then I left the room to gather both my thoughts as well as some decent perspective.

My mind kept going back to my friend and his recent trouble. His vision was shattered, too. But unlike mine, which involved a mere material thing, his involved relationships. I have had shattered visions of material natures before. Plenty of times: I shifted my brand-spanking-new van into reverse in my garage, with the rear hatch door still opened, only to completely destroy it; I ruined a new Laura Ashley dress by inadvertently splashing Clorox onto it while doing laundry; brand new linens from France got ruined when I decided to use lilies in my centerpieces; the movers dragged a heavy piece of furniture across our newly hard-wooded floor only to leave a scratch stretching from one end of the room to the other. My list goes on and on.

But shattered visions strike marriages and friendships each and every day, only to yield oftentimes devastating consequences which often take years of counseling in order for any hopes of healing or restoration to take place.

It might take a girlfriend to have a really good shopping experience, but it sometimes takes a child suffering a serious illness, or a spouse enduring a gut-wrenching financial loss, or a neighbor proceeding through an agonizing divorce to expose a truly shattered vision. Shattered visions take all shapes and sizes and forms. Bereavement. Relocation. Injury. Divorce. My apothecary jar? A shattered vision, yes. But not the kind intended for heartache. We have each experienced shattered visions in relationships to one degree or another. Because we’re fully human. Shattered visions are never easy to endure. If your week includes a minor mishap, a tiny disappointment, or a “fender bender” of sorts, count your blessings. If you are experiencing a shattered vision in a relationship, rest assured that you are not alone. It’s all part of this difficult, painful excursion through life. It’ll be woven into the fabric of your existence and will, one day, provide the lesson or the insight or the perspective which you’ll need to fully become the person God is working in you to become.

I pray for healing. For picking up the broken pieces and forming something—-in the end-—which is wonderful and beautiful.

As the owner of a dating directory I feel compelled to share with my readers 10 safety tips that I have created to make your online dating experience joyful, exciting and safe from harm:

1. Look for a reputable dating site. Just because you are paying a hefty monthly fee doesn’t mean that a site is reputable. Speak to your friends and others and ask if their experiences have been successful. Past success is usually a good predictor for the future.

2. Once you have found the dating site that you want to work with decide how much you want to share in your profile. There is a reason why they are called “personals”. People share their personal business with others, but be careful not to expose too much too soon.

3. Always be discreet the first time around. There will be plenty of opportunity for you to open up your heart and life story. Remember you can always edit your profile.

4. Remember you have a right to privacy. Respond in a responsible way to inquiries. Everyone tries to make themselves look good in an email. It’s real life that really matters. Maintain your privacy until you are ready to share.

5. Use caution. I will say it again, use caution when you share your information. Pay close attention to how much the other person is open to revealing who they are. Someone who is unable to or unwilling to offer up answers to simple facts about themselves may not be the one for you. Move on!

6. When you finally decide to meet, meet in a public place. Take your own transportation or travel with a friend. Even though it may be more convenient for you to be picked up, don’t accept the offer. This isn’t about being independent, it is about staying safe.

7. Let a friend know where you are and who you will be with. Arrange a check-in time during the date. A phone call or text message will be an alert or an all- clear.

8. If the chemistry is right and you feel like you are falling in love on the first date, think again! Never go home with your date and don’t agree to let him follow you home.

9. Watch the booze. Drinking too much will make you vulnerable physically and emotionally. Keep your wits about you at all times. With little or no inhibition you are putting yourself in a compromising and potentially dangerous position. And that goes for party drugs too!

10. Remember safety 1st. Although statistically online dating is safe, there are are still danger signs to pay attention to. Be suspicious, if you must. Be inquisitive. Know when to trust your instincts and call an end to a date. Never act desperate. It may be wiser to go home alone than to stick around with a stranger who doesn’t interest you.

Finding love can be an exciting beginning to a special relationship. Feeling love is even more special. Be careful and play it smart.

Here’s a often highly-debated question: Should Christian singles date multiple partners?

It’s so often debated because it’s such a murky question. Before we can even begin to attack the question, we have to consider: what’s the purpose of dating anyway? And - shouldn’t we be ‘courting’ instead of ‘dating’?

What is the purpose of dating? According to today’s culture, it’s a way of getting to know someone, to hang out with a member of the opposite sex, to have someone to escort you (or be escorted) to an important event or (depending on how worldly you are) a way of obtaining a regular sex partner. Courting is considered to be dating, but with one very important caveat: you are seeing that person as preparation for getting married. Therefore, courting is usually considered much more serious.

So, returning to the original question (now that we have a working definition of dating), should Christians date multiple partners? What do you think about it?

I personally think it’s a bad idea. Why? Because, with all things, the more factors you throw into the pot, the more confusing things will be. Let’s say you are going out with Bill (whom you like), occasionally spend time with Tim (because he has a really cool-looking car) and have just started seeing Steve (because he is oh so fine). What do you think will become of all these relationships? You like Bill, but he will more than likely get lost in the shuffle as you juggle him and two other men. Tim is cool, but he doesn’t have a lot to say for himself. However, you get a personal high from being seen in his Mercedes, so you continue to waste time with him. And Steve? You may or may not like him, but you don’t know because you don’t have the time or energy to spend much time with him! So you are dating three men, but not getting a whole lot of fun. Are you having fun yet?

I think it is easier (and much more productive) to just date one person at a time. In a perfect world, I would even advise courting, as opposed to dating. That way you would both know that what you are doing is getting to know each other and preparing for marriage with that person. But I recognize that we do not live in a perfect world (and most men and women aren’t ready to be that committed until they’ve spent more time with a person), so my best advice would be to just spend time with one person.

Why? Because your life is busy enough as it is - you have church, you have your family, you have your friends, and possibly school and a job. Dating more than one person will definitely detract from all these things. I think your time will be much better spent doing things to build your life, your finances and your relationship with God. And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, Does Being Single Mean Putting Your Life on Hold?, when you are single, you are focused on God. And on serving Him. As a married person, you will more naturally begin to become more focused on pleasing your mate. So, since you know that will happen once you get married, it is important as a single person to make sure God is your primary focus. And this definitely will not happen if you are dating several people at once!

So, if you are dating more than one person right now, seriously consider why that is. Do you find none of them very satisfying as a potential mate? Are you trying to be a player? Are you just not looking to be serious right now? Or do you just think this is the norm?

And, after you have answered those questions, consider if that is the best use of your time. Only you know what is going on in your life, so only you can make that decision. I only hope (and pray) you make the best choice for your life.

Take a look around at the tennis courts. What will you see? Plenty of hot & sexy single women. That’s what. Tennis is very popular and attracts a lot of single women for you to date. Lots of single women go to the tennis courts to possibly meet men for love, romance, and relationships. Perhaps not openly, but subconsciously.

Tennis is a one-on-one sport and this allows for a lot of mental concentration between you and a woman. It sure is a good way of getting to know someone. Just the two of you having fun together. What’s good too is that after you have played a match, it’s quite natural to cool off and talk to each other and perhaps go and have a drink or get a bite to eat.

How do you approach single women at the tennis courts? There’s a lot of different approaches. You can say, “Do you need a partner? Or you could reserve a court in advance and say to a woman, “Would you like to play on Court #9? My tennis partner didn’t show up.”

You might want to arrive early to shoot the bull before you play tennis. Just talk to any and every woman you see. This way you can meet women before you even make it on to the courts.

If you don’t play tennis, by all means take lessons. This opens up another avenue for meeting those sexy single tennis honies. Tennis lesson groups are comprised mostly of women and you’ll be in the limelight. Let me say that you don’t have to become an expert. Basic skills will get you by because most of the women you’ll be playing later won’t be that good either.

I would suggest playing at public tennis courts. You’ll see more of a variety of different women there. Tennis clubs are very expensive and you’ll see the same old faces a lot.

A word about tennis attire. It would be worth it to invest in some nice pro-type tennis wear. It will make you look like a tennis pro and these outfits really turn some women on.

In conclusion, I want to tell you about a device to use to attract single women and makes you popular. When you play tennis, always bring a large jug filled with lemonade, kool-aid, or Gator-Aide. Also, you can even bring a small ice-chest and fill it up with cokes. All you have to do is ask a woman on the court, “Would you like something cold to drink?” After you’ve worked up a sweat or if it’s a hot day, something cold to drink really hits the spot and is hard to turn down.

P.S. This article is an excerpt from our best-selling book, “The Complete Guide to Meeting Women.”

Several of the clients in my psychotherapy practice are struggling to find someone to date. They have tried the online dating options with little enthusiasm and they don’t like going to bars. They look around and see all these other people coupled up but not them. What to do?

I’ve been asking them this question: What activities do you like to do…that other people also like to do…and that you would be willing to do with other people?

If you can answer this question, you can make a plan to be out in the world where potential dates can see and appreciate you and vice versa. It does not guarantee a boy/girlfriend, but it could up your chances of finding someone to date.

First of all, if you pick something you like to do, you’ll have some comfort and enthusiasm about it. You are a willing participant.

Second it should be something that others do as well. Solo activities are fine for solo time, but to find others, you have to go out and mingle, at least a little bit. If you activity is something so esoteric that no one else is interested, you can still do it, but don’t expect to meet anybody while doing it.

Third, you need to be willing to be doing it with the others who show up—engaging with them in some way; asking questions, making conversation, being sociable.

So, do some brainstorming. Make a list of things you like to do running down the right side of a piece of paper. When you have finished your list, put a check mark next to the ones that you know other folks like to do also. Then circle the ones that seem most promising and start adding them into your schedule. Do them regularly.

I really don’t think that the point of a gift is to be expensive in the first place. As long as it comes from the heart, it will always be well received.

Nobody knows your loved ones better than you do. There must be some hobbies or interests you know of that you could address. Try to think back and remember if they expressed a desire to have something in the past. If you could get that item, no matter what the price, it is pretty much guarantied to be appreciated.

It sounds like it was a really good gift. Since they said you were sweet and everything for it and it was a nice gift so it was ok. Don’t worry about the gift. I wouldn’t ask them about the gift because I’m pretty sure he/she likes it. But you could write them a note or something and ask how there day was or whatever and then include one sentence saying how you hope they liked the gift. So just write him/her a note or however you want to talk to them and just say something like I hope you liked it.

A ring sounds nice. If you think they’ll like it then by all means you could give that to him/her. To give other ideas you could give him/her cologne/perfume they might like, and remember some guys/girls like to shop too so you could take them shopping for clothes.

If he/she plays a certain sport, then sports equipment could work, or if he/she is into simpler things like books or whatever then that’s always a good idea. But those are just examples. The ring really does sound nice and if you feel they like it then I am positive it’s a good gift to give.

You can always create certain fun games for them. I did that for my special someone for there birthday. Like I created a little clue, sort of an inside joke. Like a mouse runs what’s always at a wedding? And the answer was cheesecake. I did that and it was really fun because I made it up myself, they loved it, and it was just really nice. So you can create your own game all about him/her. You could still do the breakfast thing, but be more creative. Like have him/her awake to a flower on there bed, if you can do that. Then when they come out they’ll go to the kitchen area and see breakfast already made.

That way it’s not exactly the normal breakfast in bed but something different and unique. And you can get gifts related to what he/she likes. If he/she likes to read then get them a couple of books that you know they’ll love. Maybe get him/her a certain outfit they want. Or you can take them out to a certain place he/she loves, such as an amusement park or wherever. Just think of what he/she likes and get something related to it.

I actually think that the idea of breakfast in bed is fabulous! So what if it is, as you say, common? It makes a person feel very special regardless. That’s the best way to make the day feel romantic right from the moment your partner wakes up. Then you can take them out for a nice walk in some scenic neighborhood, maybe a nice brunch and perhaps to a movie he/she likes later. You can get flowers, which are always romantic. There are places in any city that you can visit that are either free or that charge very little for admission that are great to come to, especially on a special occasion such as this. There are beautiful parks, beaches and such where you could have a nice little picnic. Where I live there is a fabulous tropical plant conservatory that charges no admission. There are places such as small zoos or aquatic centers; there are also great museums and galleries that are interesting to visit.

You are doing it a bit last minute, but I’m sure you will plan a wonderful day for them!

Last minute gifts are usually more difficult. What I tend to do with my gift-giving is do a lot of listening throughout the year. Your loved ones always indicate one way or another, they would like to have. So all you need to do is keep a little list of gift ideas, and when the time comes to go gift shopping, you’d already know what to get. The best gifts to give are things the person you’re giving them to actually wants to have. But that’s long term.

For this coming birthday just try to get them something you think they would enjoy. If he/she likes wearing jewelry, you can get them something small that would match there style. Some costume jewelry or silver pieces that are out there are surprisingly inexpensive and none the less look absolutely stunning. If he/she is into music, get them a CD of an artist or a composer you know they would like. If he/she is into books, get them one from a writer he/she likes. By the way, if he/she is a Harry Potter fan, the new one is being released on July 16th. You can pre-order it, and they’ll get the book the same day it comes out. That’s what I did for a friend that had a birthday early June that is a big fan of the series. So the idea really is just to try your best and give him/her something they would really enjoy having.

Resentment? What’s that? According to Readers Digest Family Thesaurus, resentment means bad feelings, anger, outraged spirit, crossness, bad temper, dungeon huff, ill will, rancor, bitterness, sourness, wounded pride, hurt feelings, displeasure, animosity.

Do any of these feelings sound familiar? Do you harbor any of these feelings about your spouse? It’s true, we do feel negative at times, and it is because we’re hurting. We hurt because we allowed someone to hurt us. There is nothing wrong with you for having these feelings. What’s wrong though, is when we harbor negative feelings inside of ourselves and don’t do any thing about it.

When we don’t voice our feelings in a proper manner, or not at all, it will carry a negative affect on our self and those around us.

Examples of how not expressing our self properly will harbor resentment.

(1) A husband resents his wife for gaining weight. He pokes fun at her in front of their friends and sometimes won’t make love to her. Because of his behavior, she thinks he doesn’t love her anymore and she is hurt and resentful.

Jabbing fun at your spouse because they have gained weight is cruel and demeaning. They may lose weight for you, but eventually gain it all back because they didn’t do it for themselves. Try and back off for a while-give your spouse a chance to decide what they want to do for them self.

(2) A wife is angry and resentful because her husband spends too much time with his buddies. When he finally does come home at night, she constantly nags at him about anything and everything and he ignores her and walks away feeling resentful.

Constantly complaining and nagging at your husband isn’t going to bring him home any sooner. If you’re going to nag, don’t say anything at all. Get your mind occupied with something other than the fact your husbands out with his buddies instead of home with you. When he does come home, let him see you doing something you enjoy for yourself and that you aren’t going to let his behavior bother you anymore. In other words, ladies, don’t let your husband think you have nothing else better to do with your time, then sit around and brood over him. Continue on with the evening and forget about it. Afterwards, you’ll feel so good about yourself you won’t even feel resentful anymore!

Many issues like those above effect couples all the time. The goal here is to express how we feel about certain issues BEFORE they turn into resentment.

Sometimes what happens between couples is they choose to hold onto the hurt rather than express themselves. Subconsciously we do this thinking we’re actually hurting our spouse, like a form of getting them back. But in reality we’re only causing more of an emotional problem within our self. And we don’t want that.

A healthy, growing marriage relies on both couples feeling good about who they are. In that respect there is no room for that bad feeling called resentment.

We blame our spouse for our feelings of resentment, and spend a lot of energy trying to change them into something we think will make us feel better about ourselves. But unfortunately, we find ourselves unfulfilled and wallowing in even more resentment because of it.

This is so detrimental to the marriage. These feelings can literally cause couples to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but it is only a mirage, folks. The grass is not greener over there. In fact, your grass could be green again too, if only you would cultivate it better.

It’s all up to you. We have choices, and we’re adults! The bottom line is this, we cannot change our spouse, and we cannot expect our spouse to make us happy! Know it and believe it!

I have compiled a small list of issues that can and will turn into resentment in the home. These things are only the branches that have their roots from the tree of life. The branches are dying parts of the tree that if not attended to like a baby needs milk will eventual shrivel up and die. Take care of your marriage.

The wife says,

He spends too much money

Spends too much time at work

Spends too much time watching TV

Womanizes & has affairs

Controlling

Jealousy

Abusive (mentally and Physically)

Drinks too much

Unhelpful around the house and with the kids

The husbands says,

She spends too much time at work

Spends too much time with the kids

Spends too much time with her family, and or friends

Too religious

Nags and complains

Dresses better for others

Spends too much money

Gains weight

Cold and rigid

Too controlling

What you can do for yourself? These issues can be dealt with by proper communication and the willingness to forgive the faults and errs of your spouse.

(1) Be assertive, but kind, and express your boundaries

(2) Forgive your spouse and let go of resentment you have towards them

(3) Communicate by listening more - ask questions.

(4) Express true feelings without being afraid that you won’t be loved

(5) Stop focusing on how to change your mate, but focus on how you can change yourself

(6) Find and nurture the spiritual aspect of your character

Number six entails greater understanding into the nature and design of God. In my newly released book, Journey on the Roads Less Traveled, I explain the concepts associated with understanding the spiritual self and utilizing the spiritual tools that God gives us to nurture our self and spouse. For more information on this unique Christian book, please see my websites.

Q: What is a man’s idea of helping out with housework?

A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

“It’s a wise husband who will buy his wife such fine china that she won’t trust him to wash the dishes.” ~ Anon

Given a chance, most men will drink out of the juice bottle; will leave the food that goes in the fridge uncovered; will leave the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the living room; will leave the bed unmade; will not do the dishes; will leave the bathroom towel on the floor; will drop his pajamas on the floor and retrieve them untouched at bedtime; will put an empty icemaker back in the freezer, and so on and so forth. In general, these things mean practically nothing to them—though I know many who are just the opposite.

One of my husbands was like this. It would drive me nuts that he would remove his PJs’ pants leaving them on the floor and in the evening, would easily put them back on as if this was the most common thing in the world. I hated that because I was the one who had to pick them up, if I wanted them off the floor.

My other husband, on the other hand, was a cleaning freak, so to speak; only he would not move a hand to clean. Thank heavens we were in Brazil at that time and luckily had an assistant in charge of the household chores, the clothes and the cooking (i.e., a maid, for the less politically correct) who would then make sure that everything was spotless just as he liked them to be.

Now I think: well, if their behavior bothered me, shouldn’t I be the one to take care of this situation and stop nagging? Nowadays, my son leaves an empty icemaker in the freezer. What do I do? Tell him, please, to fill it with water before putting it back. Does he do this? Sometimes. When he doesn’t, I will do it for him.

Now, a question remains: why am I so forgiving of my son whereas I was never forgiving of my life-partners? It dawned on me that the reason is pure and simple and it is called “unconditional love.” So now, if we are so indulgent with our children, as many of us are, it follows that, logically, we should be as forgiving with our men. After all, shouldn’t we love them unconditionally as well? Is there any other kind of love?

A Word of Advice:

Ladies: Put yourselves in their place. Who wants to do things you are not cut off for? Have a heart and compromise.

Gents: If your spouse wants a neat house, why don’t you tell her do the cleaning and chores inside the house and you will help out by doing other things outside of the home, such as fixing things when they break, taking the car for oil changes, etc.? Make it a fair arrangement. Of course, you must share parenting.

Ladies and Gents: If both of you truly hate housework, inside and outside, stop bickering and hire help!

A story:

In Madrid… “Spanish lawmakers introduced a new marriage contract this week that stipulates men must do half of the housework. The new vows will be used in civil marriage ceremonies starting this autumn. Wives won’t be able to take their husbands to court for being lazy, but in case of divorce, a husband who has done less than his share will have to pay more alimony. “Men have to learn to start taking more responsibility in the home,” said Margarita Uria, the member of the parliament who authored the bill, “and women have to help them do it.” (The Week, July 1, 2005, p.8).

My two cents: Margarita Uria is just like I was: a total moron when it comes to understanding the opposite sex. And vindictive, too!