Adult Dating

What do you most want in life? Do you think you know? Jot down a quick list right now on a scrap of paper. Is it mostly things like money, toys, or gadgets, or experiences like vacations, good sex, or watching children get started in life?

What’s most important to you? I’ve been listening to a book on tape by Kevin Hogan, “Talk Your Way To The Top,” about good communication. He asks these kind of “importance” questions, noting that often we list what are really the “means to the ends” rather than the “ends” themselves.

If we really get down to it most of us want some kind of joy, fulfillment and security. And, as couples, we get bogged down in the details of trying to achieve these “states of being.”

As partners, we often have very different ideas about what will get us to these good experiences in life. And, we often do not have the communication skills to sort out how we are actually looking for similar end points.

Kevin Hogan suggests a list of about 4 items that you really want, and then directs us to list how we hope these things will help us to feel. This helps to know what you’re really after. I suggest we use this list as a starting point for two additional life possibilities.

First, share this list with your partner. Then, listen deeply to your partner’s list. Make sure the two of you get to the point where you fully understand and empathize with the “end-state” you each desire. There will probably be a lot of similarity there. Joy, happiness, satisfaction, safety, fulfillment, stimulation and serenity are common desires.

Now, you can stop right there if you want. Just do some negotiating about how to help each person get some of what they want by planning to do some of what you each believe will get you there.

On the other hand, you can embark on the journey together that my second point suggests. This second thing is a spiritual thing. It is the expectation that all those wonderful feelings are already available to us in other ways.

Whether you are a regular church goer, a person who doesn’t buy the simple explanations you think religions give, or someone unsure but still a seeker, you probably suspect that there is something going on that’s bigger than any of us know.

I’m suggesting that, whatever your belief or tradition, that you probably have not gotten to the bottom of its spiritual experience, and therefore, are still seeking the “end-states” through your own devices.

One of the questions I often ask people is: “What are you asking (God, the Universe, Whatever) for right now?” How often they’re asking for stuff that is trifling, or they are not asking at all!

So, my second suggestion is that you start placing your expectation of the “end-states” in bigger hands than your own, and that you do so as a couple. Start watching for the results to come in surprising ways! It will almost always be from a different direction than you expect.

I encourage you, as a couple, to engage in this spiritual journey on a very deep level. Do so together, and do so right now, before the hard lessons of life force it upon you.

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 14, 2004

I am sitting here so unsure of what to do anymore. I’ve never asked anyone for help of this type, as many people come to me for answers. I am a social worker and my husband is a psychologist. We should have the answers, but we just don’t.

We have been married 10 years and have an 8-year-old daughter. The problem as I see it is my husband refuses to help out at home. He will not do anything associated with domestic work. He does not mow the lawn. What he does is work a full-time job, play music in a band on weekends, and play in two sports leagues.

He is very negative, and over the past few years, increasingly critical of me and everything I do or don’t do. I work a full-time job with a private practice on the side. I take care of everything and somehow manage to stay sane. When I bring up the unfairness of our roles, I am always met with, “I don’t want to hear about it. Shut up. Go away. Leave me alone.”

I work my butt off every single day and am so tired. Yes, I get crabby sometimes, but it is because I feel I am living in a hopeless situation. I feel more resentful as the years go by, and my blood pressure was high enough to start medication two years ago.

We are in debt because my husband returned to school seven years ago to get his Ph.D. Divorcing now would probably ruin us both financially. He tells our daughter we will never divorce, yet when an argument starts, he tells me we should get a divorce and end it. I am not one to give in easily, but I don’t feel he loves me. I feel used.

Priscilla

Priscilla, in what book or counseling session did your husband learn to settle arguments by threatening his spouse with divorce? In what class on conflict resolution did he find that little gem? People who are pretty amiable and choose to stay together, usually can. But when one person won’t participate, there is nothing you can do.

Your husband is treating your house like a bed and breakfast–all the amenities of a home without any of the responsibilities. Behavior follows feelings, and his behavior supports your belief that he does not love you.

You don’t give up easily, but you know how this often plays out. When a woman has been doing it all, even if the husband is finally willing to make an effort, it is too late. The wife is already dead emotionally. You already feel used, and there are limits to how much criticism a person can take.

Lay your cards on the table. It’s one thing if he is willing to do the talk, meditation, body work, or whatever it takes to break him loose from where he has been as a person. It is another not to be willing to begin.

You are not one to give in easily, but when sailors drown, it is not because they lack resolve but because they are dealing with forces beyond their control. In finding the limits to what you can do in your own life, you may have learned what you can and cannot do to help others.

Wayne & Tamara

Horse’s Mouth

We’ve been a couple for two years. If all goes well, we will probably marry. Recently she started making remarks like “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and “if things don’t work out, I hope I find someone just like you.” What do you think?

Skip

Skip, the closer you are to someone, the more you can end their sentences. The farther apart you are, the more you say, “Huh, what did you mean by that?” She’s got you saying, “Huh?” Close the distance and ask her what she means.

Tamara

With Rosh Hashanah just a week away, we often look for ways in which we can improve ourselves for the New Year. The list of options appears daunting. What is most important? What do we choose to work on? One of the most challenging areas to change is in the arena of interpersonal relationships. Even Yom Kippur does not atone for sins that occur in this realm unless we first make amends with the individual. Yet it is precisely in the difficulty of this work that lies its greatness; the transformative power that enables us to stand before Hashem on Rosh Hashanah.

Every year before Rosh Hashanah, we read Parshas Nitzavim (Devarim 29:9-10): Atem nitzavim hayom, kulchem lifnei Hashem Elokeichem rosheichem shivteichem zikneichem v’shotreichem kol ish yisroel, etc… “You are standing today, all of you, before Hashem, your G-d: the heads of your tirbes, our elders, and you officers- all the men of Israel; your small children, your women, and your proselyte who is in the midst of your camp, from the hewer of your wood to the drawer of your water, etc . . .” The Zohar comments that hayom, ‘today’, refers to Rosh Hashanah. The Baal HaTanya explains (Likutei Torah, Nitzavim) that all of the souls of the Jewish people form one collective unit, a koma shleimah. On Rosh Hashanah, all of them ascend together and stand before Hashem, from the highest to the lowest. When we are able to gather together and unite as one, G-d can be proclaimed our King.

How do we achieve this unity? It is through the recognition and the attitude that every individual has qualities that we do not possess; those which we need to become more complete and whole. It is to view relationships from the paradigm of holiness, a circle. There is no hierarchy, no top or bottom. It is like the human body. While the feet may be the lowest part of the body and the head the top, the head needs the feet. The feet hold up the entire body and are necessary for walking. If one has a headache, performing bloodletting in the feet provides relief to the head. The head may be at the top but it is incomplete without the feet.

So too, the Jewish people are one body. You may think you are superior to your friend but you will surely find something in which you lack that he can complete. Approaching individuals through an attitude of humility and mutuality, allows for the dwelling of Hashem. Rosh Hashanah is the quality of teshuva, return, when the collective of Jewish souls return to their source. This return can only occur when we rectify our interpersonal isolationist and separatist mentality.

What the Baal HaTanya is saying is that every interpersonal relationship is a growth experience; it is a way for us to become whole by receiving from the other that which we are missing. This is an incredible and inspiring idea, yet why do people often avoid working on their relationships? Why does growth in this area of our lives seem so difficult?

If we could become more complete people by merely learning and mimicking the good others have, it would be easy. What makes it so challenging is that this process requires an almost paradoxical interaction. We ‘receive’ what we are missing, not by taking, but by giving others what they most need from us. We become more complete because what they need from us is what is most difficult for us to give and vice a versa. Meeting their needs compels us to grow into parts of ourselves that we are not yet comfortable experiencing.

I see this dynamic all of the time with couples. For example, an extroverted wife who likes to get together with friends and socialize may want her husband to get out of the house a little more. An introverted husband may wish his wife would spend more quiet time at home. As their needs are on opposite ends of the spectrum, they are likely to butt heads. This is where conflict arises in relationships. Although they both wish to connect with each other, their way of connecting is very different. The answer lies in how we articulate our needs.

How does a baby get his needs met? He cries. That is the only way he knows to communicate. He does not intend to inflict harm upon his parents, yet anyone who has heard a baby’s cry knows that it is not the most pleasant of sounds. In many ways, we are still babies. We act unconsciously and immature. We may not cry but we can yell, criticize, blame, and shame. How do we grow up? Through learning how to talk and ask for our needs in a safe and honorable way. We truly do not want to hurt each other. We want to get our needs met yet we know no other way. Through safe intentional dialogue we are able to ask for our needs, share our hurts, and have compassion for each other.

Instead of replaying the same fight over and over about how she wants to go out and how he would rather stay home, I have couples share their feelings in a structured dialogue where they can both listen to each other and also understand that there may be something deeper going on. Recurrent frustrations usually indicate that there is more than meets the eye. What feelings are being triggered for the woman when her husband will not go out with her? What other experiences does it remind her of? What is triggered in the husband when he is feeling pressure to do something he does not want to do? When couples, and anyone in a relationship, become more conscious about their needs, they can express them in a mature way, transforming conflict into connection. I find that when this happens, people want to step out of their comfort zone and give to the other, and thus grow.

We need each other. Let us realize that to become whole, and to stand before G-d on Rosh HaShanah we must view our interpersonal relationships as a way to close the circuit of our incomplete selves. While it may be the hardest thing you do, there are effective tools that you can learn to grow and transform your relationships from conflict to connection.

Let’s face it – break ups are BAD, to say the least. There are no two ways about. I have quite a lot of really tough and smart guys who stick to a relationship just fearing the worse – a break up. And there are guys who are out of it physically, but still very much in it mentally. After all it’s a matter of the heart.

No matter what your tale of woe is (every has one, which they think is unique), crossing through this difficult period and getting relief from this emotional miscarriage can be made easier and less traumatic. More over, it should help you to either find a better relationship or simply move on with life.

Try and follow these simple common sense tips – it could mean a emotional baggage -free existence:

1. Look at life this way – all good things (including relationships) come to an end. As they say, all is well that ENDS (delete well from the proverb). The normal tendency is that once a good thing ends, we go into a post-mortem exercise. We analyse the whole thing threadbare, only to come to the predicted conclusion that it was I who was bad. My expectations were too high…I went wrong here, I said something wrong there and so on and so forth. Stop and realize that everything, however good has to end. The sun rises…after the night, isn’t it?

2. Any experience in life teaches us invaluable lessons. Learn what the relationship taught you. It does not matter whether the relationship was long or short, friendly or conflict-strewn, every person, every experience leaves behind something precious, when they leave us. Take that, and throw the memory scum out of the window, to move on.

3. Develop the power of positive thinking. Pretend if you must, but such pretensions, of feeling good, often pays off and you really start feeling good. A little bit of play acting never harms anyone – on the contrary you add that “feel good” factor to your life.

4. Stop playing the blame game. It does not take you or anyone anywhere. Leave the past, take lessons from it and stop analyzing a bowl of split milk forever. Just move on with your life.

5. Remember the truth, so many women so little time? Opportunities in this world of dating are immense – imagine there are so many single women you have not even met! Yes I appreciate your feelings of getting into a relationship just after a break-up. But believe me, if you follow the four steps as mentioned above, you will be far more prepared to meet someone new and fast. And this time, you are a better man to be with because you have done your homework well and a free person without any emotional excess baggage, which you have already paid for once, while taking the flight of dating.

This article may be re-published with appropriate attribution to the author including name and website © Copyright.

“Time is too slow for those who wait.”~ Henry Van Dyke

The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute. The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

When it comes to going out, we do have a choice of either having our men wait until we are ready no matter how long it takes or to put ourselves in a cooperative mood and be ready at the same time. We can decide how long it will take us to get ready and start doing so at the appropriate time frame so both of us will be ready at the same time. It usually baffles me how a man can wait for a woman to get ready to go out without having major tantrums or abandoning the outing all together. Sincerely, if I were a man, I would give myself an ultimatum: either I would set a 5 minute waiting window or I would just not go anywhere.

The other day I was visiting a friend and we decided to go out for some spur of the moment wine shopping. My friend’s spouse was very excited with the idea. Ok, so let’s get ready! Well, my friend and I were ready in 5 minutes and then we waited for the woman to take a shower, put her make up on, blow-dry her hair, and choose between several outfits and shoes before she was ready to go. I am not a man and I was mad. My friend was fuming. How inconsiderate is that? At that point I had lost all my sense of humor and adventure. If it weren’t for my friend I would have canned the whole excursion. I think he probably thought the same about me.

A Word of Advice:

Ladies: Please, let’s be more considerate with those who are waiting. If it takes us 1 hr to get ready, let’s start our preparation one hour prior to departure. Think of it as an airport affair. Last minute preparation will make us miss the flight.

Gents: If you threaten not to go or go without her, you need to be truth to your word. Once or twice, if you leave her or give up going out altogether, I am sure she will understand you are serious and shape up.

Or, you can also follow the steps of some famous writers: Have a pen and paper at hand, and every time you need to wait, jot some your ideas down, be it some comments or your philosophy of life; whatever. You can even do the budget. You will soon see that you have a bestseller in your hands, or at least a good autobiography, or something else. Become productive while idling.

The time is here for a new paradigm in lifelong relationships. During the 20th Century, it was clear that what has been the model and structure for lifetime monogamous relationships was NOT WORKING! I am referring to the dysfunctional relationship called “Marriage” as defined and shaped by state lawmakers. Relationships are not the problem; it is the financial structure of the institution of marriage as designed by lawmakers which is diminishing the desire for people to marry.

There has been an 1150% increase in cohabitation in the last 40 years. At the same time the divorce rate in America continues to climb and is one of the highest per capita in the world. Since the advent of marriage laws in the early 1900’s, divorces have increased 500% on a per capita basis. All relationships have their challenges. Usually we view these challenges as personality and lifestyle differences. During marriage there is a continual need to work through personality and lifestyle differences while maintaining a healthy loving relationship. There is also a second challenge which most of us do not consider when entertaining the prospect of marriage. State and federal family law legislation has added another variable to the marriage dynamic — that of joint money, joint liability for debts and joint ownership of assets. Why did lawmakers include joint ownership of accumulated assets, liability, debt and judgments into the institution of marriage? Does this enhance the relationship or increase the potential longevity? Does this criterion change the motivations for marriage? What about the effect on the motivations for divorce? Is current family law what our faith-based forefathers intended?

More than 15 million people in America are cohabiting and this number is increasing exponentially. For the first time in history, there are more unmarried households than married households. America is in the midst of a major societal revolution as it pertains to traditional relationships and lifelong intimate commitments. The blame rests in part with State family laws (marriage/divorce laws), State/Federal marriage tax penalties and Social Security entitlement penalties for the married. Other reasons for the high divorce rates are directly attributed to a major social shift in the commitment of marriage coupled with societal acceptance of multiple intimate relationships in a person’s lifetime.

Psychologists have claimed money and finances are the number one reason for dysfunctional marriages. What if money issues were not part of your loving lifelong relationship? The Eternity Commitment or “EC” is an alternative to marriage where you have a committed lifelong relationship; however do not have the issues of joint money and possessions.

Thousands of years ago, marriage was created and defined by the different religions as the lifelong bonding of loving heterosexual couples, thus creating a family unit recognized by God. Marriage was blessed by the clergy and vows shared and expressed publicly under the eyes of God at the appropriate ceremony. Marriage was a spiritual commitment where the man and woman became one “spiritually”, not financially. There was no government intervention or marriage law mandating that marriage was a financial partnership. It would have been superfluous because religion strongly discouraged divorce.

The traditional structure of marriage created thousands of years ago is more functional and self-sustaining than marriage as it is structured today. Modern society has imposed a myriad of challenges to any formal relationship including marriage itself. The inclusion of the state-mandated financial partnership with the institution of marriage has resulted in dysfunctional motives for all aspects and phases of the marriage relationship.

Most couples believe marriage is a single lifelong commitment. However, there are actually three commitments within the realm of marriage. The first is the personal commitment of love and companionship for life. This is the most important commitment for without this commitment no other commitment will survive. The second commitment is the spiritual or faith-based commitment. This is optional based on a person’s faith. The third commitment is the marital law commitment. This is the commitment of a financial structure for your marital relationship. The structure of the marital law financial structure is synonymous with forming a 50/50 business partnership. Yes, you could just as easily duplicate the financial structure of marriage with the formation of a 50/50 business. With marriage, incomes are considered to be joint income, debt acquired by either person is joint or community debt, the couple forms one legal entity and the couple is one “taxed” entity according to the IRS. Just like a business partnership. I know of no couples who marry for the purpose of forming a business partnership. This is the basis of the dysfunctional relationship of present-day marriage.

Many 21st century couples do not want the state-mandated financial design of marriage nor do they want to ever experience the emotional trauma or financial repercussions of divorce. Therefore, they choose NOT to marry. Imagine having the freedom to design your own financial structure for your lifelong relationship rather than being forced into state-imposed rules. The Eternity Commitment gives you that option. You decide what is best for you during your relationship. AND… with an EC you never get divorced.

Most people don’t realize that when a marriage license is obtained you are opting for and agreeing to the state mandated financial structure of your lifelong relationship. A marriage license has nothing to do with your spiritual or personal commitment. In all 50 States, a marriage license is optional for your committed loving relationship. There are many benefits and reasons to opt for an Eternity commitment.

The Eternity Commitment is a relationship of love and companionship for life. It represents the traditional structure for the family which has endured for thousands of years. In the early 1900’s lawmakers enacted thousands of laws which re-characterized marriage to be a relationship of money, debt and possessions. When you analyze marriage laws, they are not about love, honor and cherish until death do you part. They are about joint ownership of property, debt, liabilities, businesses, retirement moneys, etc which in reality resembles a 50/50 business structure. People don’t marry to become business/financial partners; they do so to make a commitment to share love and companionship for life. So why complicate the intimate relationship with spending/saving habits of a partner when there is an alternative to keep the finances separate.

The Eternity Commitment is a lifelong commitment of an intimate relationship not involving marriage. The financial structure of the Eternity Commitment is self-defined between the consenting adults, thus bypassing and avoiding a state mandated financial structure for marriage. The financial structure of an Eternity Commitment is similar to that of a “joint venture” where individuals keep their financial and legal identities when sharing an intimate relationship of love and companionship. With an EC a checking account is established for the depository of funds to pay joint living expenses. In contrast, the financial structure of marriage is where the two parties become one financial, legal and taxed entity. Everything is joint ownership. The structure of marriage has within it inherent strife and conflict associated with spending and savings philosophies and ideologies. The meshing of money and possessions with the marriage is dysfunctional to the intimate relationship. In essence, the financial structure of marriage is contributory to the high divorce statistics.

In recent years, Common Law Marriage has been abolished in all 50 States (with a few caveats), so cohabiting with an intimate relationship will not automatically presume you are legally married. Today, you have a choice to marry or not to marry… or have an Eternity Commitment.

State marriage laws do not enforce the primary commitment of marriage, “until death do us part”. Therefore, the institution of marriage in no way protects a marriage from failure. If one person desires a divorce, the courts will grant it. The process of divorce is in reality, the process of splitting the co-mingled assets and debts. In many cases, the person breaking the commitment of marriage will profit financially because they will receive enrichment from their ex-spouse for the investment they made in the marriage. Thus, state lawmakers have created immoral incentives for divorce.

With an Eternity Commitment all property, money, retirement, investments, assets, debts, etc. remain sole and separate unless the two involved agree to include them in the “joint venture” portion of their relationship. Therefore, if there is a separation of people, there is no need to separate money and possessions because these are already separate. This is in contrast to marriage where all assets, debts and liabilities are co-mingled or made apart of the “community” as mandated by marriage law. Therefore, the requirement to split assets is the premise for the divorce.

Because of the high probability and risk of divorce, people are increasingly becoming disenchanted with marriage. Rightfully so — because if the love in a marriage ceases, all that remains is money and possessions. This is the origin of emotionally charged and expensive divorces. The person who has financially invested the most in the marriage has the most to lose in a divorce.

The pitfalls that lead people to forgo marriage are the beliefs that people:

1. Marry for money,

2. Stay married because of money issues,

3. Manipulate their spouses while married over money and possessions,

4. And last but not least, divorce for money (financial enrichment).

As mentioned earlier, there are numerous marriage tax penalties and Social Security Entitlement reductions for the married.

The Eternity Commitment returns the lifelong loving relationship to that of tradition — to the structure created for marriage by various religions thousands of years ago, and before the introduction of marriage laws of the early 1900s. With an Eternity Commitment the spiritual and ceremonial aspects of marriage are preserved where the celebration of your commitment may be blessed by a spiritual leader and vows expressed in a ceremony similar to a wedding. There is also an Eternity ring to visually and personally express your commitment.

Many people have questioned the institution of marriage, and rightly so. What you get today with marriage is not what religions historically created for lifelong relationships. However, today most people marry based on the traditional structure and beliefs about marriage. They soon learn tradition is not present-day reality. Marriage laws have superseded the faith-based structure and commitment of marriage.

Financial losses from divorce can be enormous and devastating, especially for the wealthy. Paul McCartney is facing the prospect of paying $400 million dollars to Heather Mills for a failed short term marriage. This is outrageous! Similar divorces occur in America. With most areas of asset protection there are loss insurance and corporate structures to protect individuals. No insurance companies protect individuals from divorce losses. The Eternity Commitment has a financial structure to provide this protection.

The alternative form of a lifelong commitment termed the “Eternity Commitment” defines the structure to eliminate the financial implications and dysfunctional behaviors of marriage/divorce. It focuses on the original premise of a lifetime relationship to be one of love and commitment.

The desire for people to marry will continue to decline and marriage will continue to be in crisis in America as long as state family laws have incentives for divorce and self-serving and immoral spousal behavior. Divorce must stop penalizing the spouse who has invested the most in the marriage. In addition, the marriage penalty tax still remains in many aspects of federal and state tax law and must be eliminated for people to desire marriage. Social Security entitlements should not be reduced for retirees who marry.

In America we enjoy many freedoms. The freedom to design our own financial structure for our lifelong loving relationship is one such freedom. The book Eternity Commitment shows you how to do this and how to avoid the pitfalls inherent with the state-mandated financial structure of marriage. The Eternity Commitment is the relationship structure where you never get divorced! The book contains a FREE Eternity Commitment Companionship Agreement which is a $500 value if you hired an attorney to write this for you. This document outlines the understanding and provides a self-defined financial structure for your lifelong relationship.

For more information and to order the book, “Eternity Commitment” go to: www.eternitycommitment.com Or to order call 888-280-7715. Learn the 50 reasons to have an Eternity Commitment instead of marriage. The book is 172 pages containing many divorce stories, an Eternity Commitment Agreement, a list of behavior to expect if your spouse is planning divorce. Protect your ass… at least your assets from divorce.

As the most populated city in the country, New York is a hub for people from various walks of life - people who can be polite and don’t mind getting to know each other.New Yorkers are an interesting lot. Because of their focus on their careers, they tend to be thought of as power-hungry or very ambitious. In truth, they fear loneliness, and so they turn to bar hopping to meet singles like them. Being a New Yorker means that your career comes first, though in reality, the people are looking for that special someone who they can share their life with. They’re not a snobbish people - they just find it harder to commit.New York has a corner for everyone. There are arcades, bowling alleys, and pool halls for fun dating. Colleges for intellectual pursuits, gyms for those who want to experience physical fitness together, parks for romantic walks, and spoken word lounges for the intellectual and spiritual type.For specific spots, Mars 2112 is the place for a fun date. For something more formal, the Water Club and Manhattan Grille are sound choices, and for formal Italian, Brunelli’s the place to go. If you just want to sit down and have a nice leisurely date, go to Central Park or Washington Square Park. Bars are not that romantic, though clubs with good music are nice. There’s the Midtown, the Lower East Side, The Knitting Factory, and Tribeca. If it’s the classical arts your date craves, bring him/her to the New York Philharmonic and the Metropolitan Opera. And for a really interesting afternoon, drop by Union Square - bookstores, costume stores, and music stores galore.If you can’t afford an expensive date, take her on a ride on the Staten Island Ferry at sunset. Feel the sun’s rays and the wind’s touch, and enjoy the beauty around you.

1. First, put yourself in the opposite position: If YOU didn’t want to be with someone, and let him or her know it, what would you expect the other person to do? Hopefully let go, and move on with dignity.

2. The biggest “cure all” every time you miss them, or are thinking about them with sadness, is to VIVIDLY remember the times they treated you like DIRT, and ask yourself: “Is THAT what I REALLY WANT?” When the answer is NO – then keep that in your mind. It will replace the old pattern of putting them on a pedestal when they treated you far less than the way you deserved. It will also help you to replace the pain with the truth of the situation.

3. Every time thoughts about them suddenly come into your mind, do the above, AND re-direct your focus on to something that is positive and life enhancing for YOU, or others that you love. You have the power to consciously re-direct your thoughts and FOCUS. Do that every time the blues start to creep in to your consciousness.

4. Really TRUST that everything DOES work out for the best in the long run, and if you can remember a time when you were sad about something, only to be grateful for the growth you’ve made, and how the situation worked out for your highest and best after all, this will help you realize that this situation is no different.

5. View the other person with compassion, rather than with bitterness. Realize that they did the best they were capable of, and if their best was not in your best interest, then it is a gift that they are out of your life!

6. Get deeply and passionately absorbed in your life purpose! THIS is the most powerful thing you can do! Why waste your energy, focus, and attention on a PAST situation, when you can really be making significant and positive difference in your life, as well as in the lives of others!

7. Every time you start to think about them, and begin to play your drama of the past in your mind, consciously CHOOSE to focus on the NOW, and all of the great things you can be doing. Focus on being and expressing your highest and best self. Remember that you don’t NEED them at all. YOU are the gift. They may be a gift as well, however, if they are out of your life, your life MUST carry on in the most vibrant, positive and life-renewing manner possible. This is ALL within your conscious choice and control.

8. Really thank them (in your mind) for every lesson you have learned, every new discovery you have made, and the difference they DID make in your life. Realize that THAT was their purpose for entering your life. So now you can release them with a lot of gratitude, loving compassion, dignity, and grace.

9. Someone that I personally know that is going through the throws of emotional agony in trying to let go of a relationship that just ended said: “We need to know WHY We SHOULD Let THEM GO TO BEGIN WITH!”

The Answer is so that YOU can be FREE FROM PAIN, and misery! So that you can attract someone into your life that will treat you incredibly well, and because you DESERVE to be happy in a real relationship!

Why should you hold out for crumbs from someone similar to a dog waiting on the doormat for a couple of crumbs of attention? Don’t you really deserve to have a fantastic relationship? YES! You do! Everyone does. If you are in pain the majority of the time, then you deserve to free yourself, so that you can live with inner peace, and grow with enough self-love to attract your true counterpart.

You can only attract according to what you believe you deserve, and I swear to you that you WILL attract someone that is far healthier for you once you really learn how to love and appreciate yourself.

Don’t you want to be treated in the best manner possible? So if you are in pain most of the time, that pain is saying: “Hey, get me out of this, because IT HURTS!” And the only way to remove yourself from the source of emotional agony in your life is to make a COMPLETE break.

It’s like keeping your hand halfway in boiling water! If you take your hand out completely, and heal it, then you will be free from pain!

If you choose to keep dipping your fingers into boiling water, this is the same as continuing to return to a painful relationship. One is physical pain, and the other is emotional.

There is no judgment at all. So please do NOT judge yourself for allowing yourself to be treated far less than you deserve. The only thing that matters is what you do from THIS moment forward. Love yourself – a LOT!

10. The only one you will EVER need is YOU. The only one that will NEVER leave you is YOU. So place ALL of your energy on being and expressing all you came into this life for. It is NOT about them – it is all about you and your growth. That is the most important thing. Now you have learned more, and realized more. You have evolved more as a result of all you have been through. As you come to fully awaken to all of your grand possibilities, you really won’t have the time, or the care to focus your attention on a past situation. It is like focusing on anything else that is in the past. NOW is your time to re-claim yourself, and shine as the beacon that you are. You will feel so much better once you take all of the above steps – as long as you really apply them.

© Copyright by Barbara Rose. All rights reserved.

How can you pursue this relationship without being hurt? Here is a short list of indicators to keep you aware of what is going on:

1.- The hidden anger aspect:

They carry a lot of repressed anger from their childhood, now projected on the people around them. It appears as sarcastic comments, derisive opinions and blaming other people.

Please, look at the annoying behavior as “behavior done with an impact on me”. Recognize your emotions: is it anger? or disappointment? and remain calm and poised. Control your own breathing. Don’t let him get the best of you. PA people begin to win when the shouting starts and you become defensive and angry at their inconsiderate behavior.

Instead, describe his behavior, and then talk about how it creates a problem. For instance, you might say, “When we are discussing something and you make a sarcastic remark, it blocks the conversation and then I’m not able to tell you what you’re really asking. It would be helpful to me if you would tell me directly what you’re thinking and feeling. That way, I can respond and perhaps we can even make things better.”

It’s very important to become aware of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors provoked by the reticent silence of passive aggression. Even if you ask for direct talk, you still could get denial of your request. Refusing to talk clearly with you plays a part in passive aggression, so you need to expect some degree of silence about his real intentions behind the sneaky comments said, or his procrastinating behavior.

2.- The Insecurity aspect

How can you manage this behavior? It appears as manipulation, describing things differently according to the recipient, backstabbing and in general not owning the problematic behavior. PA persons feel that they are the victims, and that their behavior is rational because it is done in self-defense. Confronting this behavior in a firm but caring way, with some proof (perhaps keeping a journal of what was promised or said to you) is necessary.

3.- The Failure of Appreciation aspect, which makes very difficult for them to see life as a “half full glass” proposition. If there is a way to describe their situation as negative, they will exploit every part of reality able to be construed as a miserable situation. They love piling up misery after misery, rejection after rejection! Positive aspects will be thoroughly ignored or rejected. Of course, their misery is never their fault, and probably you or someone else needs to be blamed….

You need to be sure of what are your own accomplishments, and be proud of them, before they are diminished by the “misery framing.” Find a way of reminding yourself of how good you are, before it’s too late and you begin to accept the misery framing. Always remember not to let this person steal your joy and make you believe you are not a good person, only because he feels miserable. Stay focused on the things that matter to you the most, and give up the pretense of being able to solve his problems.

4.- The Fear of Life aspect, that goes hand on hand with a general lack of trust on others. PA persons resist getting near of others because assuming that others are not worthy of trust, thus behaving with suspicion, which makes other people act with prevention, which in turn fulfills the prophecy. As a result, other people (including you) are less deserving of love and appreciation, don’t deserve respect and can be ignored.

You need to deal with this aspect by generating your own circle of friends or relatives, who will confirm what you believe is true. Be persistent in taking care of what you value, so you can receive confirmation from your own trusted sources of appreciation.

The Basic Rule of Survival:

Don’t expect or want anything important, fundamental, or vital from them, at least at the beginning. As much detached you can be from the final outcome of any shared project, the more protected you are from manipulations that would disappoint you.

You can count on your own resources, but do not depend on the PA person for financial, emotional or companionship issues. If you could get severely hurt if disappointed, this is the weak point where you are going to be hit.

Now, this looks like a lot of work, right? Indeed, it is. But remember, you want to keep your head clear and your self-esteem intact, at the same time entering into one of the most difficult relationships in life: having an intimate relationship with a PA person. Perhaps getting in touch with other people dealing with this challenge could help a lot.

Have you ever seen or watched on TV a thoroughbred horse on a racetrack or just before a race. Thoroughbred horses are highly-strung creatures with a high degree of “nervous energy” that (when forced) that nervous energy makes them run faster and keep running long after an ordinary horse would be exhausted.

There is nothing wrong with our nervous energy, it’s perfectly natural, it’s commonly felt by most people, and it has a function. The problem arises when our nervous energy is displaced, suppressed or misused.

Here are seven ways you may have become the victim of your own nervous energy.

1. You think (and have decided) that your nervousness and fear of rejection is a problem. You are placing the emphasis on the wrong place. Your problem is trying to avoid having to confront what is really holding you back.

2. You worry about it, beat, criticize, degrade and devalue yourself for being nervous and afraid of rejection. What you are doing is expending unnecessarily large amounts of nervous energy which creates a growing sense of paralysis.

3. You fight it and try to control it. The very act of fighting and controlling it is off-putting, you end up forgetting what you were going to say, become unsure of yourself and just want the experience to end.

4. You tighten your muscles and breathe shallowly in an effort to resist the dreaded physical sensations of nervous energy moving around in your body. Trying to block nervous energy from moving around in your body ends up making you function, look, and act in a rigid, inflexible, and boorish manner.

5. You try to trick and distract your mind by keeping it physically engaged with “desensitizing affirmations” which can work for a few times until the mind realizes it’s been tricked and it adjusts itself not to be tricked again. You are worse off.

6. You “walk away” and the nervous energy generated is suppressed. These suppressed nervous energy unfortunately may turn into emotional illnesses (depression, anxiety, anger etc), and sometimes even physical illnesses.

7. You squander your precious nervous energy (playing games with people, wearing “masks'’ to please others, following rigid techniques and routines prescribed by others, pretending there is not really much to it ) and in the process miss the opportunity to put to use this powerful energy - and direct it to the goal for which it is intended.

Your fear of rejection is really the rejection of your power and control over your own life. There is nothing wrong with you. Your body is behaving very properly. Faced with an important challenge, it generates enough nervous energy to cope with what has to be done.

The key is not eliminating your fear, but harnessing that nervous energy and making it work for you, rather than against you. With information, a little help and experience, you can learn to harness your nervous energy, and like a thoroughbred horse “run” long after “ordinary people” would be exhausted.

My website has simple exercises that can be used to help you start (it’s only a start) learning how to flow with nervous energy rather than trying to eliminate it altogether, or forcing yourself to try to stop worrying about it