Adult Dating

I wrote an article a little while ago called “Is Learning How To Get Your Ex Back Right For You?” and what I seem to see from the responses to the article is that either this is mostly a guy-type issue or the woman don’t like to talk much about getting an ex back.

It surprised me a little because it doesn’t seem to be a specifically male or female issue. There are several problems with trying to get your ex back and also several different ways to approach it. First, let’s consider the realities.

A lover or mate leaves for a reason. Often they’re gone from the relationship a long time before they walk out the door. How the break happens has a lot to do with whether and how learning to get your ex back even makes sense to attempt. If it happened over time and you didn’t see it coming, some learning about the basics of relationships better come first. We all go to school but schools rarely teach us some of the most important things in life - like how to start and keep a good healthy relationship. So we fumble around and make mistakes and aren’t even sure what was a mistake so we can fix it.

Is it any wonder so many of us have so much trouble keeping healthy long-term relationships alive and well? We expect the impossible, ignore the actual, deny the problems, and then wonder what happened. And this has nothing to do with being smart or dumb, having a great job or working as a clerk, being a high school dropout or a PhD, rich or poor. If you didn’t happen to be really lucky and learn by modeling your own behavior on people who really have discovered how to have great relationships, none of the rest of that matters.

The point is - you get your ex back and in 3 months what’s going to happen? If you haven’t discovered the “whats” and “whys” that caused the break and picked up some new “hows” so the same old tired scenes don’t repeat, then … Well, I’m sure you see what’s likely to happen.

And what if you haven’t really thought this through. You better be really certain that learning how to get your ex back is what you want, because when you do, your ex is probably not going to have changed.

There’s a huge fantasy we fall into sometimes - it goes like this: if only I could get my ex back then everything would be wonderful again and life would be so much better because love makes everything perfect. Well, no it doesn’t. Remember, there was some reason the ex left. Everything wasn’t wonderful. And just how good was life anyway? Some people really want their ex back because they are afraid - afraid they are unlovable, afraid of being out there looking for someone, afraid no one will like them — afraid of being alone. That’s a very very bad reason for learning how to get your ex back.

So what we’re really looking at are several things here. Learning what a healthy relationship is and what the signs of an unhealthy one are. Learning some new ways to behave to make the relationship much better, more stable and long-lasting. Maybe learning how to get your ex back - or maybe learning how to find a new partner with a lot less anxiety, frustration, and doubt than you used to experience. Or, maybe all of these. After all learning the techniques that make dating (and seduction and relationships) easier than you ever imagined can certainly do you a lot of good with your ex also.

You need to learn some new things, make some changes, or you’ll be stuck in the same old misery again just down the road. Change and growth are not as hard as you may think and the rewards can be much greater than you imagine whether you want to learn how to get your ex back or find a new partner or improve your skills in relationships.

This week I want to give you some valuable advice about taking single women to motels/hotels.

At some point in your pursuit of romance you will have opportunities to take women on out of town trips or just to a local motel for some lovemaking.

I want you to be aware that it’s very critical to a woman what the motel looks like and more importantly what the room looks like. A lot us men could care less if a motel looks like a dive. However, it’s very important to the ladies.

The most important advice I can give you is to never pay for a room without looking at it first because the room may be a real turn-off for the woman you are with and I’ll tell you why:

• It may smell musty and trust me, women have very strong sense of smell.
• Have see-through curtains which will make her feel uncomfortable thinking that someone could see what is going on in the room.
• A hard or lumpy mattress.
• Stains on the carpet.
• Walls that need painting.
• A room that’s old and outdated and needs to be remodeled.
• Mold or leak stains on the ceiling tiles.
• Cracks in the walls.
• Ugly bedspreads, etc.

I’m sure you get the picture. With the reputable motel and hotel chains you usually don’t run into these problems. In my experience, motels that are run by individuals and not chains can really be dumps on the inside. Also those motels that have discount coupons in travel publications can be very disappointing. They use discount coupons to lure you to their motels. In this case there’s a lot of truth to old saying, “You get what you pay for.” To make the best impression on the woman you take to motels or hotels, take them to a reputable motel or hotel chain. They have a reputation to uphold and want to give you a nice room and amenities so you will come back. Go ahead and spend the extra bucks for a quality place to stay because it will be worth it.

Here’s some more tips on selecting a place to impress the ladies:

• Offers Continental Breakfast.
• Hair dryers in the room so she can dry her hair after taking a shower.
• Coffee maker in the room.
• Nice swimming pool and jacuzzi.

Also, don’t let them give you a room next to an elevator. People make noise when waiting for the elevator or when coming out. Also, some elevators make a beeping noise when they stop at your floor (This can awaken you when you are trying to sleep). Even worse, don’t let them give you a room next to a ice-maker. The machines can be noisy and people are always going back and forth at all hours and this can make a lot of noise that can interfere with you getting a good night’s sleep.

There you have it. Some rules to follow when selecting a motel or hotel to impress the lady you are with. You certainly want them to be happy with your selection to keep them in a romantic mood. If they are disgusted and turned off by their environment this can make her uncomfortable and spoil your chances for romance.

Every relationship has it’s share of memories, both good and bad.

What memories do you celebrate in your relationship?

Most couples have never even considered the question. But in any long term relationship, there are memories to celebrate.

Celebrating memories

Celebrating memories bonds couples to each other and sustains and increases the emotional connection.

Here are a few tips for celebrating the memories in your relationship.

1. Remember when… - The words “remember when” should be heard often in your relationship. It’s like a regular dose of connection and celebration.

2. Put it one the wall - Something I always notice in someone’s home are the pictures on the walls. These photos have been deemed important enough to frame and put up for all to see. In these photos you can find memories and story and heart. When you see them each day in your own home, they are a quiet reminder of your love and your history.

3. Scrap book it - Scrap booking has become million dollar industry. Why not use it to celebrate your relationships. You can have a scrapbook for each year, for holidays for trips, or all about one person, just to name a few ideas.

So here are two strong suggestions:

1. Celebrate your memories.

2. Go make some memories.

Even the most passionate and committed relationship has moments when the partners disagree. No two human beings ever see eye-to-eye on everything. Over time, we even disagree with ourselves because our outlook on the world changes as we grow and mature and age.

In the beginning of a partnership, it seems, for a brief moment, that we have everything in common. We can’t initially believe that we have actually found someone who is so “simpatico.” We focus on the areas that we share, endlessly discussing mutual interests and tastes. Any areas of divergence are quickly skirted and pushed into the background as unimportant trivialities.

As we live together for a longer period of time, our differences continue to surface and can no longer be totally ignored. Ask any couple to list some things their partner does that annoy them and several items are sure to appear. Sometimes our partner does things that are so irritating that we get angry and start arguing. We are socially programmed to be competitive so to try to win the argument, we marshal all the supporting evidence we can find.

And because we are two different individuals, there will always be some support we can muster to prove our point. How often, in the middle of a spat, do we say “And another thing. . .” It has nothing to do with our current disagreement, but it’s trotted out to bolster our conviction that we are right and our partner is wrong.

A good and fruitful argument is one that is focused on one topic and where some conclusion can be reached by both parties, even if only to agree to disagree. A destructive argument has no focus. It’s all over the place and involves so many aspects of our relationship that it can never be neatly resolved.

When the defensiveness of us all steps in; when every pet peeve and perceived petty slight is poured onto the coals, a disconnect is born that may never be satisfactorily settled. To thwart that personal defensiveness and rancor, we need to step back and remind ourselves, and each other, about the values and activities we do share.

We need to voice our devotion to each other that goes far beyond the few differences that separate us. In the middle of a full blown verbal fight, stating our love and appreciation of other aspects of our partner can diffuse the anger and pain and remind both of us of our priorities and our good fortune in finding a wonderful, long-sought partner (even if they are occasionally misguided) for the game of life.

Many men don’t know the difference between chasing and going after what you want, with confidence. Chasing, by definition, is bad. Going after what you want with confidence, is good. On the surface level they are the same, but on a deeper level they are different. The energies are different.

Think of the hunter analogy. A good hunter doesn’t suffer from lack of confidence. He sees what he wants and aims to get it (literally). He doesn’t supplicate or hope that things work out. He confidently goes after what he wants.

The hunter: “hey…what do you say we grab a drink and get to know each other?”

The chaser: “I think you’re beautiful, can I take you out and buy you dinner sometime??”

The mindset behind each is totally different. One comes from a position of power and knowing what you want, and the other from a position of inferiority.

It is the man’s role to make the move, attract, display personality, and then invite the woman to join him. Another way to look at it is: The man makes the pitch, and she chooses if she wants to be a part of that. He puts in the work initially, but then makes her work for more of his attention.

Don’t chase. Step up to the plate and take initiative, yes, but never chase. Men do the picking and women do the choosing, but part of the price that a woman pays for being the chooser is that she has to follow the lead of the man she chose.

It is my job as a man to demonstrate value and personality, and have her choose me. I then invite her into my world. There I can give her all the things she’s always wanted. But I can only do that on my ship. So much for equality, but in the real world this is how the successful mating dance plays out. Like the saying goes, in a dance two people cannot lead. Evolution and biology don’t care about equality or political correctness.

It’s like buying and selling. You’re the seller and she is the buyer, and part of being the seller is standing by what you sell, even if it takes knocking on a few doors before getting the sale.

Copyright © 2005 Vittorio Norman

Just when businesses and advertisers think they have women all figured out enters a new category with serious buying power: the single woman. It is projected that in 2005 single women will spend $400 million dollars which has the business world standing up and taking notice.

There use to be a time when single women were treated like outcasts and looked on with pity. Unmarried women were secretly called “spinsters” by friends and family if they were not wed by the time they hit 30. The tide is beginning to turn as single women send out the message that they can do for themselves.

Businesses as well as politicians are now checking in to see what makes single women tick. The census data shows that 40% of women between the ages of 25 to 29 are not married. While 23% of women in the 30 to 34 age rage are not married. One can only guess that the percent of single women over 30 will grow due to the fact that more women are stating that marriage is not of interest to them. The messages coming from single women are diverse from choosing the single life as the preferred lifestyle, choosing career over marriage first, to one person homeownership.

Single women are beginning to take the country by storm, even on the top hit show “Desperate Housewives” half of the characters are single. Advertising companies are beginning to get it when it comes appealing to the single woman. One commercial has two women who are sitting down after a wedding doing a high five for having “not” caught the bridal bouquet. This message says that businesses are seeing that single women are a viable market. That is girl power that is about to be in full effect.

Relationship commitment. A lifelong goal for some, and others, a thought that puts shivers down their spine. While many would love to settle down and grow closer to someone over a period of years, the thrill of the chase is much more satisfying for everyone else.

Growing up, meeting someone, and getting married is a natural progression for most of the population. Albeit a dwindling past time now in the twenty first century. Marriage is becoming less popular while divorce rates increase periodically. Looking for Mr or Mrs right, finding them, and settling down, and bring up a family is a fantastically rewarding experience.

Meeting the right person is a must for this to be a lifelong enjoyable experience. Does the person want the same things out of life, and will they be willing to go that extra mile to get them. Are they genuine in everything they say? Trust is a major factor in any relationship. When someone says “I love you”, they have to mean it. No relationship can be a long term happy affair if one of you doesn’t mean this when they say it.

The relationship doesn’t have to be based on a contract, you just need the spark to be sustained throughout. It has to stay as fresh as the first few weeks or months. If boredom has a chance of setting in, that’s when the relationship can break down. Keep the romance alive, continue to do the things that you do in the early days of your relationship. Leave little notes for your partner, and bring a gift when you arrive home from work.

If problems occur they have to be discussed as soon as possible. Letting something brew for a period of time will only magnify it. The sooner a problem is talked about the more chance you have of getting it resolved, then the relationship can continue.

Relationship commitment is a journey that will have it’s ups and downs, and many rewards at the same time. Nothing can be more satisfying than raising a family, and growing old with a loving partner. This is something the thrill chasers will surely miss out on, either by never committing to anything, or giving up just when it starts to serious.

Here is just a few of many pointers on how to improve your body language. Improving your body language can make a big difference in your people skills, attractiveness and general mood.

There is no specific advice on how to use your body language. What you do might be interpreted in several ways, depending on the setting and who you are talking to. You’ll probably want to use your body language differently when talking to your boss compared to when you talk to a girl/guy you’re interested in. These are some common interpretations of body language and often more effective ways to communicate with your body.

First, to change your body language you must be aware of your body language. Notice how you sit, how you stand, how you use you hands and legs, what you do while talking to someone.

You might want to practice in front of a mirror. Yeah, it might seem silly but no one is watching you. This will give you good feedback on how you look to other people and give you an opportunity to practise a bit before going out into the world.

Another tip is to close your eyes and visualize how you would stand and sit to feel confident, open and relaxed or whatever you want to communicate. See yourself move like that version of yourself. Then try it out.

You might also want observe friends, role models, movie stars or other people you think has good body language. Observe what they do and you don’t. Take bits and pieces you like from different people. Try using what you can learn from them.

Some of these tips might seem like you are faking something. But fake it til you make it is a useful way to learn something new. And remember, feelings work backwards too. If you smile a bit more you will feel happier. If you sit up straight you will feel more energetic and in control. If you slow down your movements you’ll feel calmer. Your feelings will actually reinforce your new behaviours and feelings of weirdness will dissipate.

In the beginning easy it’s to exaggerate your body language. You might sit with your legs almost ridiculously far apart or sit up straight in a tense pose all the time. That’s ok. And people aren’t looking as much as you think, they are worrying about their own problems. Just play around a bit, practice and monitor yourself to find a comfortable balance.

1. Don’t cross your arms or legs – You have probably already heard you shouldn’t cross your arms as it might make you seem defensive or guarded. This goes for your legs too. Keep your arms and legs open.

2. Have eye contact, but don’t stare – If there are several people you are talking to, give them all some eye contact to create a better connection and see if they are listening. Keeping too much eye-contact might creep people out. Giving no eye-contact might make you seem insecure. If you are not used to keeping eye-contact it might feel a little hard or scary in the beginning but keep working on it and you’ll get used to it.

3. Don’t be afraid to take up some space – Taking up space by for example sitting or standing with your legs apart a bit signals self-confidence and that you are comfortable in your own skin.

4. Relax your shoulders – When you feel tense it’s easily winds up as tension in your shoulders. They might move up and forward a bit. Try to relax. Try to loosen up by shaking the shoulders a bit and move them back slightly.

5. Nod when they are talking – nod once in a while to signal that you are listening. But don’t overdo it and peck like Woody Woodpecker.

6. Don’t slouch, sit up straight – but in a relaxed way, not in a too tense manner.

7. Lean, but not too much – If you want to show that you are interested in what someone is saying, lean toward the person talking. If you want to show that you’re confident in yourself and relaxed lean back a bit. But don’t lean in too much or you might seem needy and desperate for some approval. Or lean back too much or you might seem arrogant and distant.

8. Smile and laugh – lighten up, don’t take yourself too seriously. Relax a bit, smile and laugh when someone says something funny. People will be a lot more inclined to listen to you if you seem to be a positive person. But don’t be the first to laugh at your own jokes, it makes you seem nervous and needy. Smile when you are introduced to someone but don’t keep a smile plastered on your face, you’ll seem insincere.

9. Don’t touch your face – it might make you seem nervous and can be distracting for the listeners or the people in the conversation.

10. Keep you head up - Don’t keep your eyes on the ground, it might make you seem insecure and a bit lost. Keep your head up straight and your eyes towards the horizon.

11. Slow down a bit – this goes for many things. Walking slower not only makes you seem more calm and confident, it will also make you feel less stressed. If someone addresses you, don’t snap you’re neck in their direction, turn it a bit more slowly instead.

12. Don’t fidget – try to avoid, phase out or transform fidgety movement and nervous ticks such as shaking your leg or tapping your fingers against the table rapidly. You’ll seem nervous and fidgeting can be a distracting when you try to get something across. Declutter your movements if you are all over the place. Try to relax, slow down and focus your movements.

13. Use your hands more confidently – instead of fidgeting with your hands and scratching your face use them to communicate what you are trying to say. Use your hands to describe something or to add weight to a point you are trying to make. But don’t use them to much or it might become distracting. And don’t let your hands flail around, use them with some control.

14. Lower your drink – don’t hold your drink in front of your chest. In fact, don’t hold anything in front of your heart as it will make you seem guarded and distant. Lower it and hold it beside your leg instead.

15. Realise where you spine ends – many people (including me until recently) might sit or stand with a straight back in a good posture. However, they might think that the spine ends where the neck begins and therefore crane the neck forward in a Montgomery Burns-pose. Your spine ends in the back of your head. Keep you whole spine straight and aligned for better posture.

16. Don’t stand too close –one of the things we learned from Seinfeld is that everybody gets weirded out by a close-talker. Let people have their personal space, don’t invade it.

17. Mirror - Often when you get along with a person, when the two of you get a good connection, you will start to mirror each other unconsciously. That means that you mirror the other person’s body language a bit. To make the connection better you can try a bit of proactive mirroring. If he leans forward, you might lean forward. If she holds her hands on her thighs, you might do the same. But don’t react instantly and don’t mirror every change in body language. Then weirdness will ensue.
18. Keep a good attitude – last but not least, keep a positive, open and relaxed attitude. How you feel will come through in your body language and can make a major difference.

You can change your body language but as all new habits it takes a while. Especially things like keeping you head up might take time to correct if you have spent thousands of days looking at your feet. And if you try and change to many things at once it might become confusing and feel overwhelming.

Take a couple of these body language bits to work on every day for three to four weeks. By then they should have developed into new habits and something you’ll do without even thinking about it. If not, keep on until it sticks. Then take another couple of things you’d like to change and work on them.

Most of what I’m going to lecture from come from Cynthia Giles’ book: The Tarot, History, Mystery and Lore and some other resources.

The origins of the Tarot have been attributed a wide range of wacky sources paleolithic cave paintings, gypsy folk lore, Moroccan mystics and even gifts from space aliens to Egyptian priests!. Most of these stories are, of course, speculation of the wildest, most ridiculous kind, and only serve to muddy the waters when it comes to understanding the Tarot. If you’re going to use the cards, it’s important to understand where they come from so that you know their rich history, their potential and their value and not put faith in silly urban legends.

Tarot on parade

The first mention of the cards was in Italy in the 14th century, called “Tarocco” and used for games and already, authorities were lecturing against its use. The first known deck was made for the Vicsconzi-Sforza family of Milan, designed by the artist Bembo. According to Tarot expert Gertrude Moakley, the various characters illustrated in the major arcana represented the triomfi, or parade, that accompanied Italian celebrations.

Historians believe that there may have been other cards that existed to represent other characters but have disappeared over time. Few decks of Tarot cards exist for those early days, but there’s enough similarity in artwork to make it clear that the deck was in common use in that time. Some historians believe that the Tarot was originally only used as a gaming deck to play a game called tarocchi until occultists began using them for divination.

Taking Europe by storm

The next big milestone in Tarot’s history came in the late 1700’s when Court de Gebelen, a member of a secret society of occultists, came across the a game of tarocchi and became obsessed with the cards. He believed them to be imbued with important symbolism which he attributed to ancient Egyptian lore. De Geblen wrote a nine-volume treatise titled “Le Monde Primitif” in which he discussed the meanings of the Tarot. That he attributed the Tarot’s symbolism to the Egyptian’s was based less on any real fact than on the fascination that Europeans had with Egypt at that time, believing it to be the center of all of man’s early wisdom. Use of the cards for divination spread during that time, with a book by a man named Etteilla in 1783, in which he offered his interpretations of the cards. In fact, professional mystics began using the Tarot throughout Europe, although there was no consensus of what the cards actually meant.

The mystical background of the Tarot

Card readings have long been associated with Gypsies, although they certainly weren’t responsible for their creation. For hundreds of years, Gypsies made their way across the world, living by their wits and earning a living by any skills that they could market. Gypsies were exotic, feared and looked down on, but there was an aura of romance about them that caught the imagination of Europeans in the 1800’s. A book was published towards the end of the century called “The Tarot of the Bohemians,” attributing the Tarot to the Gypsies (who Europeans commonly believed came from Egypt). Interestingly, Gypsies used regular playing cards for divination not the Tarot.

In the 19th century, the famed mystic Eliphas Levi Zahed (whose real name was Alphonse Louis Constant) connected the Taror with Hebrew mysticism the Kabbalah. He saw the Tarot as a key to life, a tool that man can use to develop himself as a human being, as a way to grow so that he might find heaven. His work outlined 22 connections to the tarot major arcana, making it a tool to be used on the path to enlightenment.

The modern Tarot deck was most influenced by the cards used in the late 1800’s by the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn. The order was founded in England by three men who, according to lore, found an old secret manuscript written in code, deciphered it as the by-laws of a secret German society, and received permission to start their own group in England. Years later, the woman who gave them permission died, and the German members disavowed the British branch, saying they never got permission after all.

The modern Tarot is born

Despite its contentious beginnings, the Golden Dawn became a very influential group, with two members in particular doing a great deal to spread the popularity of occultism Aleister Crowley and Arthur Edward Waite. Crowley, a protégé of the Golden Dawn founders in England, created a Tarot called the Book of Thoth. Waite created the Tarot deck that’s most familiar to modern users. Working with an American artist named Pamela Coleman Smith, Waite used a storytelling theme, utilizing characters from myth, legend and religion, allocating a group of symbols to each card that gives them unique meaning. His Tarot formed the foundation on which most decks that followed were based.

The next milestone in the Tarot’s history came in the 1920’s, when a Golden Dawn member named Paul Foster Case started a group in Los Angeles called Builders of the Adytum (BOTA). The BOTA deck is in black and white, created so that the owner could color the drawings themselves (it was a tradition in the Golden Dawn that each member had to make their own deck as part of their training). The group offers Tarot training to this day, although their interpretations of the cards are disputed by many divination experts.

Today, there are countless versions of the Crowley/Waite Tarot available, some with magnificent artwork, others less impressive. Whatever your choice of deck, using the Tarot as a divination tool is a personal experience, one that’s origins reach far back in history. Hopefully, knowing the background of this ancient art will enhance your connection to the cards, and to your own readings.